My beef with the Salvation Army

I kind of admire the Salvation Army. What's not to like about a coed, militaristic / semi-monastic protestant religious order that dresses up in uniforms, does charity work, and has their own marching bands?

I'll tell you what's not to like: the folks ringing the bell around Christmas-time.

See, if the person ringing the bell was in uniform (a Salvation Army Soldier or Officer), that would be one thing. And keep in mind that when you see commercials about giving to the Salvation Army, that's how the bell-ringers are depicted. Nice looking, young adult to middle aged people in immaculate uniforms, ringing that big-assed brass bell with gusto on a busy street corner. Giving to them is like giving to a priest or a nun. Or buying brandy off a monk. It gives you a nice warm feeling.

Here's the reality, at least in my neck of the woods: a person in a sweatsuit stands inside the foyer of a Wal-Mart and halfheartedly rings their annoyingly tinny bell. They're not members of the Salvation Army - for them, it's just a minimum wage job 6 weeks a year. I have no idea if the money in that bucket ever makes it back to the Salvation Army. Why should I risk it?

The guy or gal in a uniform? They're living at the local Salvation Army barracks. I told you, they're semi-monastic. Where are they going to hide their bucket? They're not. That money has a pretty good shot of going directly to charity.

Maybe there are some places in the greater Dallas area where you can go and see actual members of the Salvation Army ringing a bell. I don't get out much. I know they have a local commandery, or constabulary, or whatever their local congregations are called.

Until I see one of those nice-looking uniformed men or women like I see on TV ringing the bell, screw it, I'm hanging on to my spare change. If I see the right person ringing the bell, I might donate paper money. Think about that, Salvation Army.

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Boycot this!

I've heard that Gays are calling for boycotts of all things Mormon, based on the overwhelming Mormon financial support of California's Proposition 8.

Well Gays, I am throwing down the Gay Gauntlet to you. Will you boycott Robert Pattinson, sexy young man-star of the film 'Twilight'?

Yes, I've heard Lynn & Alex from L.A. Rag Mag on the Adam Carolla show, dishing about how hunky Robert is as Vampire-boy. But here's the problem: the novel Twilight was written by a Mormon. So by supporting the film, you are supporting a dues-paying member of the LDS Church.

(Although in all honesty, surely there are enough Mormons in California that you can find one involved in some way with many, many movies, and would have to boycott them all to make sure your film-going dollar didn't support any Mormons...)

So, what'll it be, my Gay brethren? Will you turn your back on sweet young Robert Pattinson in order to deprive the creator of the Twilight series (nay, the Twilight Saga!) from earning income? Or will you admit that boycotting a religion is kind of a stupid thing to do?

It's a good thing the Mormons are so polite. Seriously, they could accuse you all of intolerance, and then we would have sexual-preference-minority on persecuted-religion-minority hate crime situation going on.

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